THE STRUGGLE IS REAL

Tags

#365DOCD #Mangarap, 2nd year, Inspiration, Late night random thoughts, LIFE AS A MED STUDENT, medical school, Medicine

I’ll start with “it’s draining to be an introvert in a world full of extroverts”

So far, this year has been the most challenging year of my medical career. A year that challenged my intellectual, physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. Being me, I hate changes, I hate sudden, unexpected, and uncontrollable events. There are times when adapting is hard and walking away is much more convenient. I am afraid of things I don’t have control over – this is me, an introvert.

This year was a struggle between my fear of uncertainty and my motivation to continue the journey. Even before I started medicine I had doubts about myself, wanting to become a doctor is not a question but rather my preparedness to become one is, I can tell you that I’m 100% sure that I want to be a doctor because I don’t see my self doing other things other than wearing the white coat and stethoscope or holding the scalpel and suturing kit, but I’m also pretty sure I’m not  100% prepared for all of those. Two years ago if you’d asked me if I wanted to proceed into medicine honestly speaking I’d tell you yes but with reservation. I remember the last semester of college when the anxiety and fear of going to med school set in that it even prompted me to consult the school’s guidance counselor because I thought that maybe 4 years of undergraduate was not enough to be prepared, that maybe I should take masteral study first, at least I will have time to learn new things, refresh my knowledge in biology and prepared myself for medicine. But that time I felt the pressure to continue medicine despite my uncertainties especially since I’m the first in the family (The pressure is there).

So first year of med, I met new people, new friends, new environment, everything was new for me except for my college friends thanks to them they became my safe haven in med school. I struggled a lot, especially with biochem, anatomy, psych, and COMMED (who didn’t?). But despite these struggles, I can feel the control over my subjects thus I even manage to exempt some of them. After all the changes and pressures, the ups and downs, the passed and failed evals I thought I had adopted already and could face anything that was ahead of me.

Until 2nd year came, when my safe haven became smaller, there were new sets of friends, the curriculum had changed, exam schedules had changed, and the mode of lectures had changed in short everything was new and everything had changed. Then I realized I have to start adapting all over again and I can tell you  BRO, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. 1st sem became my adaptation stage, we all felt the pressure to adapt but it varies how fast one can, some can adapt after 2-3 months but with some including me it takes more time – It even came to a point na iniisip ko na mag quit, mag LOA nalang at mag MS or culinary (Yes!!) especially after I received my semestral grade (I have 4 unsat). I started to question myself, am I worthy of this? or are all my sacrifices worth it. The feeling of being stupid every time you see your eval scores, the torture and stress it brings to your emotional and physical well-being,  the lies you said to protect the only thing that left in you- your ego when asked how’s your exam and you said fine “nakakapit” when in fact it is far from passing, the sleepless nights, the overdosing of caffeine. May I ask you, are all of these sacrifices worth it? for me, I don’t know, maybe.

Here comes the second sem, unlike others who have saved extras here, I am catching up with my grades (yung feeling ng 1 sided love, ikaw lang ang naghahabol kaya ikaw lang din ang napapagod)– 2nd sem is my recovery stage. When My name was called to see my adviser and to attend the remedial class that was my wake-up call. I felt ashamed of myself after that not because of what my classmates might think about me but what my family would say or feel if they found out that I was failing med school. That day I went home gloomy, took a bath and there it just happened, tears flowed uncontrollably especially when I remembered what Dra said “Your parents have the right to know your class standing, para di sila magulat kung after this school year na may bagsak kayo” but I don’t know how to tell them. They’re far from me and I’d rather face my problem alone than be a burden to them, as long as I can handle it I will keep it to myself. I don’t know why I lack the courage to tell them, maybe I don’t want to hurt them, maybe I don’t want to be a disappointment but I guess it is more of it won’t matter even if they’ll know, it won’t change the fact that I failed. After a week or so I changed my habits, I studied in the library till 8-10pm a week before the exam just to avoid destruction like Tv series etc. I did try Muaythai once a week to reduce my stress. Now I started to ask for help, it is not bad to ask your friends for help.

Most importantly I ask God to give me strength and motivation every day. Slowly it paid off I can see the results. Hopefully, it is not too late to pull everything up.

Throughout my experiences, I learned that at some point in time no matter how prepared you think you are, medicine will find a way to make you feel stupid and inexperienced in understanding the intricate anatomy, physiology, and biochemistry of the human body.

Preparedness can help, but we need the desire, the drive, and the motivation to fight until we get what we want.

With all of these experiences, I can answer you with conviction that medicine is worth fighting for.

To third year- My journey is still far from the finish line but at least I’m moving forward. I might have some stop over along the way or my phasing is slow, but everything that happened helped me to see clearly where I’m heading. GET THAT MD!

Check your personality here:

INFJ personality (https://www.16personalities.com/)INTJ personality (http://www.humanmetrics.com/)

-032616 2:46am [Late night random thoughts – Holly week reflection]

04-28-16

The moment of truth, promo boards.

Start of this year I made this post-it. I was actually preparing myself for the possible outcomes that might happen after the school year ends.

All my sacrifices this year have paid off. Thank you to everyone especially my family my mentors and my friends for keeping me sane this year, sa pag intindi sa akin. But most of all thank you to the Lord God for providing me everything that I needed to survive this year.

This is for my friends, I want you to know it is hard for me to be happy knowing you are not. I know your struggles and felt your frustrations but what I always told you “Kapit lang, magtiwala” hindi man sya umubra ngayon but what It really meant is that “Kapit lang, magtiwala”  makakamit natin ang MD, hindi man ngayon baka bukas ang importante hindi tayo mawawalan ng pag-asang lumaban. (insert wink)

 

To my incoming 2nd year friends, 2nd year is a struggle pero pag nakapasa kayo iba ang feeling yung tipong mapapaupo ka sa sahig at mapapaluha nalang. hahaha

Mom and Dad #THIRDYEARNAAKO #MDyomalapitna