I’ll start with “it’s draining to be an introvert in a world full of extroverts”
So far, this year was the most challenging year of my medical career. A year that challenged my intellectual, physical, spiritual and emotional well being. Being me, I hate changes, I hate sudden, unexpected and uncontrollable events. There are times when adapting is hard that walking away is much more convenient .I am afraid of things I don’t have control over – this is me, an introvert.
This year was a struggle between my fear of uncertainty and motivation to continue the journey. Even before I started medicine I have doubts in my self, wanting to become a doctor is not in question but rather my preparedness to become one is, I can tell you that I’m 100% sure that I want to be a doctor coz I don’t see my self doing other things other than wearing those white coat and stethoscope or holding those scalpels, but I’m also pretty sure I’m not 100% prepared for all of these. Two years ago if you’d ask me if I wanted to proceed into medicine honestly speaking I’ll tell you yes but with reservation. I remember the last semester when the anxiety and fear of going to med school sets in that it even prompted me to consult the school’s guidance counselor because Im thinking that maybe 4 years of undergraduate is not enough to be prepared, that maybe I should take masteral first, at least I will have time to learn new things, refresh my knowledge in biology and prepared myself for medicine. But that time I felt the pressure to continue medicine despite my uncertainties especially that I’m the first in the family (The pressure is there).
So first year med, I met new people, new friends, new environment, everything is new for me except for my college friends thanks to them they became my safe haven in med school. I struggled a lot especially with biochem, anatomy, psych and COMMED (who didn’t?). But despite of these struggles I can feel the control over my subjects thus I even manage to exempt some of it. After all the changes and pressures, the ups and downs, the passed and failed evals I thought I have adopted already and can face anything that is there ahead of me.
Until 2nd year came, when my safe haven become smaller, there were new sets of friends, the curriculum have changed, exam schedules have changed, mode of lectures have changed in short everything is new and everything have changed. Then I realized I have to start adapting all over again and I can tell you BRO, THE STRUGGLE IS REAL. 1st sem becomes my adaptation stage, we all felt the pressure to adapt but it varies how fast one can, some can adapt after 2-3 months but with some including me it takes more time – It even come to a point na iniisip ko na mag quit, mag LOA nalang at mag MS or culinary (Yes!!) especially after I received my semestral grade (I have 4 unsat). I started to question my self, am I worthy of this? or are all my sacrifices worth it. The feeling of being stupid every time you see your eval scores, the torture and stress it brings to your emotional and physical well being, the lies you said to protect the only thing that left in you- your ego when ask how’s your exam and you said fine “nakakapit” when in fact it is far from passing, the sleepless nights, the overdosing of caffeine. May I ask you, are all of these sacrifices worth it? for me, I dont know, maybe.
Here comes second sem, unlike others who have saved extras here I am catching up with my grades (yung feeling ng 1 sided love, ikaw lang ang naghahabol kaya ikaw lang din ang napapagod)– 2nd sem is my recovery stage. When my name was called to see my adviser and when my name was called to attend the remedial class that’s my wake-up call. I felt ashamed of my self after that not because of what my classmates might think about me but what my family will say or feel if they’ll find out that I’m failing med school. That day I went home gloomy, took a bath and there it just happened, tears flows down uncontrollably especially when I remember what Dra said ” your parents have the right to know your class standing, para di sila magulat kung after this school year na may bagsak kayo” but I don’t know how to tell them. They’re far from me and Id rather face my problem alone than being a burden to them, as long as I can handle it I will keep it to my self. I don’t know why I lack the courage to tell them, maybe I don’t want to hurt them, maybe I don’t want to be a disappointment but I guess it is more of it wont matter even they’ll know, it wont change the fact that I failed. After a week or so I changed my habit, I studied in the library till 8-10pm a week before the exam just to avoid destruction like Tv series etc. I did try Muaythai once a week to reduce my stress. Now I started to ask for help, it is not bad to ask your friends help. Most importantly I ask God to give me strength and motivation everyday. Slowly it paid-off I can see the results. Hopefully it is not too late to pull everything up.
Throughout my experiences I learned that at some point in time no matter how prepared you think you are, medicine will find a way on making you feel stupid and inexperienced in understanding the intricate anatomy, physiology and biochemistry of human body.
Preparedness can help but what we really need is the desire, the drive, the motivation to fight till we get what we want.
With all of these experiences I can answer you with conviction that medicine is worth fighting for.
To third year- My journey is still far from the finish line but at least I’m moving forward. I might have some stop over along the way or my phasing is slow, but everything that happened helped me to see clearly where I’m heading. GET THAT MD!
Check your personality here:
-032616 2:46am [Late night random thoughts – Holly week reflection]
The moment of truth, promo boards.
Start of this year I made these post-it. I was actually preparing myself for the possible outcomes that might happen after the school year ends.
All my sacrifices this year have paid off. Thank you to everyone especially my family my mentors and my friends for keeping me sane this year, sa pag intindi sa akin. But most of all thank you to the Lord God for providing me everything that I needed to survive this year.
This is for my friends, I want you to know it is hard for me to be happy knowing you are not. I know your struggles and felt your frustrations but what I always told you “Kapit lang, magtiwala” hindi man sya umubra ngayon but what It really meant is that “Kapit lang, magtiwala” makakamit natin ang MD, hindi man ngayon baka bukas ang importante hindi tayo mawawalan ng pag-asang lumaban. (insert wink)
To my incoming 2nd year friends, 2nd year is a struggle pero pag nakapasa kayo iba ang feeling yung tipong mapapaupo ka sa sahig at mapapaluha nalang. hahaha
Mom and Dad #THIRDYEARNAAKO #MDyomalapitna